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Wick, in the name of Queen Nicole, declares War on the Gazette!


A comment in the Gazette on Thursday which claimed that Nicole was not a God has created outrage across Wick. Residents have blasted the Gazette for blasphemy and Nicole has even taken the step of declaring war on the Gazette. There are fears that Wick, for all its military might, could not cope with a war against St. Brides and the Gazette, but Nicole is confident of victory.


Last night, the ancient Wickian war cry “Ug! Ug! Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!” could be heard for miles around, scaring the life out of rabbits and foxes alike.


In other Wickian news, Wick Village Shop has said that the new minimum wage will not affect the money it gives to its staff. Said a spokesman through a translator:

“The British government is crap. We will not tolerate increased wages. We must set new levels for exploiting our young workers. If they want to take us on, then come on! We can beat St. Brides, the Gazette and Britain at the same time! Ug! Ug! Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!”


The Queen Mother’s death didn’t get much notice over Wick. Queen Nicole issued a statement:

“Why do people ignore me? I walked around towns in the second world war! I am a monarch! I have a big house! I can ride a bike godammit!”